Jesus, Mary and fuckin Joseph, this place has gone to the damn dogs. M wasn’t screwin around when he said the hour was later than I thought. Don’t think even he thought it was this late. Mnemosyne just set the whole goddamn Consilium on fire and it’s the rest of us that’re gonna burn if this shit doesn’t get settled fast.
I keep thinking about what Memory Artemis said, in my future Oneiros, about her version of me being afraid of disunity. About having to tear everything down. It’s such a load of bullshit, I refuse to believe that’s the only way to make anything out of a couple hundred enfuckinlightened Awakened people. You’d think touching the Supernal every day of their miserable miraculous lives would teach them something. What do we gotta do, rip out every one of their souls until they get the memo? We get one chance on this stupid worthless planet to get it right and then we die and it’s all over. Or we ascend, I guess, but what good’s that doing the rest of these jokers?
I can feel my daimon hating what I’m considering right now. He thinks I’m a fuckin idiot and he’s probably right. He thinks giving M the Cipher’s gonna push me off the path to destiny or whatever the hell I’m supposed to be doing. Maybe he’s right about that too, I dunno. But if I can’t get to the point where what I think matters, if I can’t make a difference in the Ladder, then all of this is for nothing. M just keeps doing what he’s doing until Caesar kills him and we’re all in the shitstorm all over again. Something big has to change. And I need to be in a position to change it. And who knows, maybe M will actually listen to something I said once ever in his cocksucking scumbag life and use the Cipher to take a look at what Caesar’s doing on his fuckin lunch break.
God, the girls’ll never go for it, not in a million years. Not unless I can prove M’s innocence in Boston. If I can find hard proof he wasn’t involved, I can convince em. And convince myself besides, jesus christ. If he was involved, this whole game is over and done. But I need evidence either way. More than that, I just…need to know. Call it peace of mind if you want, or validation, whatever the fuck. I gotta know one way or the other. As soon as this Guardian job is done, it’s time to haul ass up there. Shouldn’t be too far from the training ground anyway, according to Hermes’ files. Would be better to have the girls there but if they’re busy I’ll have to go alone. Here’s hoping Mnemosyne doesn’t stall me to hell and back with Horus.
Any way you slice it, though, we’re gonna have to get the Cipher back no matter what. If Odoya thinks he can find it, that means other Seers know what he knows, we can’t leave it where it is too much longer. Even if we take him out a couple days from now and this isn’t a massive setup dick-over (which let’s face it, it probably is), they’d never trust this shit to just him. He’s got help, if nothing else, and he’s got superiors who I’m pretty sure are dangling him out on a hook to get eaten by sharks so they can bite us in the ass while our backs are turned. No way in hell is Odoya the only one with the lead here. I sure hope Hermes knows what the fuck he’s doing.