Holy shit, what a night.
Feel like my mind’s finally clear. Dunno what the Abyss did to me but I think I made it mad. Could feel it looking at me the whole time. It’s gone now though, pretty sure. God damn, I did it. Tough as balls but I did it. Summoned a demon from Pandemonium and got it to agree to help. Crashing pretty hard from the fuckin roller coaster I had to put myself through but man was it worth it. And this donut’s the best goddamn donut I’ve ever had in my life, I could kiss Pierpont.
Okay, not really. Cougars ain’t my thing.
Anyway, the demon showed up looking like Amadeo, and in the state I was in by then I just wanted to kill him all over again. Recreating Pandemonium was some scary shit, let me tell you. Felt like I was gonna have a heart attack right there in the mud. Which by the way doesn’t wash out of khaki too good so there’s another piece of clothing ruined on this mission. I swear to God I’m gonna make a list and give it to the Mensarius at the end for damages.
I guess I was too on edge to think straight by the time the demon showed up. Fuck, I wanted to put my fist straight through his head. In some ways he did me a favor though. See, I’d been wondering, what the fuck does a demon care whether I kill or not? The more I think about it, the more I think he was trying to tell me something about my Path to ascension. They’re watching me, just like they watch all us Mastigos. And what he said sounded familiar, like what M says all the time, about rising above what he calls “animal concerns.” They’re right, I suck at denying myself what I want. Seems like if I keep giving in, I’ll never make it up the ladder.
Now, the demon also said goetia’s self-indulgent. But the way I see it, once I figure out how to beat the thing I summoned into my head last time, I’ll know how, and I won’t have to summon it anymore to keep that shit under control. And fuck Artemis and her so-called advice, man. She was pissed off about whatever got a bug up her ass, okay, but she don’t know jack shit about what I need to do and how I need to do it. At least we’re past the part where she might gut me in my sleep. Probably. Last night though, damn, expected it every five minutes. Couldn’t’ve slept if I tried.
Been thinking about this too. What is she so mad about? It’s not the killing, pretty sure. She talked a good game about saving lives but it wasn’t about that—she was angry, not outraged. Not scared enough. She doesn’t think I’m a monster, she just thinks I’m an asshole. I think she just didn’t like being in the dark, that’s what I think. Just like with the Consilium, she didn’t like having her little bubble burst. Now Rhiannon’s a question mark, if the girls have some kind of gossip slumber party or whatever. She’s Obrimos, so chalk one up for ‘righteous bullshit,’ but she’s a Guardian too so chalk one up for ‘necessary evils.’ I’ll have to see where the chips fall on that one. Hoping for the latter. Let me be the bad guy so long as we get this job done.
Time to go sleep in Pierpont’s weirdass truck sanctum. I kinda like it.